As a kid, I imagined what my grown-up life would look like and of course, it didn’t turn out that way at all. I never imagined the amount of suffering or grief I would experience as I got older and life happened.
September 12th is a day of remembrance for my 6 babies lost through miscarriage. I don’t intend for it to be a sad day but I do find myself in tears most years. It is a day where I experience:
Guilt for not remembering them more often
Remembering the emotional and physical pain from losing a baby through miscarriage
Remembering the despair and loss of hope I had of ever becoming a mom
Deep gratitude to those who walked with me during my darkest moments. I read the saved letters and cards I was given
Loss through miscarriage can be a lonely place in a world where so many babies die from abortion.
I love them so much and this is the day I have given myself permission to mourn them not being with us.
For years, I tried unhealthy ways to manage or better yet, hide my grief. I DEEPLY hurt myself and those closest to me. People couldn’t understand why I was feeling sad, lonely, and numb to the world. It felt as if I had to forget about what I went through and move on, tell myself it wasn’t that bad, (and here is the real kicker) at least it wasn’t a “real baby”.
What I have learned over the years of working through my grief:
Name my emotions
Not judge myself for what I was feeling
Give myself permission to feel
Gratitude for having the opportunity to love another human being
Those I choose to surround myself with - love me deeply
Remember my little saints - Ann, Reid, Avery, Noah, Ava, and Jonah and pray that I can be with them in heaven
Buy myself special flowers - one for each of my babies
The world may never notice if a Snowdrop doesn’t bloom, or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms or ever comes to be, touches the world in some small way for all eternity.
The little one we longed for was swiftly here and gone. But the love that was then planted is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty, our hearts know what to do. Every beating of our hearts says that we love you. - Author Unknown
In loving memory:
Ann, Reid, Avery, Noah, Ava, and Jonah